Shut Up Already!
by Ultimate Hybrid
Summary: Spider-Man is called up to SHIELD yet again, this time forced to join a team made up of the most annoying superheroes and Wolverine. Little did he know who his team members would be... Deadpool maybe? Please R
1. Team 'Comic Relief'

**Disclaimer: None of the familiar names or places belong to me. (sadly this is true they all belong to Marvel)**

**Author's Note: You're probably wondering why I put this story in the crossover section, since Spider-Man belongs to Marvel. Well I did it to ensure that my story would look interesting all by its self. Hey, you looked didn't you?**

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**Shut Up Already!**

**Chapter 1: Team 'Comic Relief'**

It was a quiet night in the city known as New York. Too quiet for the superhero known as Spider-Man. It was nights like these that allowed him to think about all the things that had gone wrong in his life. He needed a distraction to keep him occupied. He concentrated on a flickering streetlamp in order to focus on something other than his unfortunate life.

Just as he was about to lose focus, his spider sense started going off. He looked up as a giant helicarrier shone a spotlight on him. He leaped off the building to try and get away from yet another unpleasant memory in his life: S.H.I.E.L.D. He was too late though, and a tractor beam shot down from the helicarrier and carried him up inside.

He landed on the floor of the helicarrier with a thud. Someone snickered as he got up slowly.

"Hey there Spidey, lose your grip?' A familiar voice asked. Spider-Man quickly identified it as Iceman's.

Spider-Man sighed, "No I did not…that was an act to make you feel comfortable in my presence." With that he shot a web onto the ceiling of the Helicarrier and lowered himself down next to the one and only, Nick Fury.

"What did I do this time Nickie? Accidently cause another symbiote invasion? Create another supervillain? Forget your birthday?"

"None of the above, Spider-Man. We need you for quite a different purpose this time. As you can see we have rounded up a bunch of the most annoying heroes on the planet." Nick fury said, gesturing to the gathering of heroes still laughing at Spider-Man. "Like Iceman, The Human Torch, The Thing, Deadpool, and a few others."

"Then why is Wolverine here? He's not funny. In fact he borders on serious more than comical. No offense."

"None taken, webhead. I'm here to keep you comedians in line." Wolverine said to the group. "Four of you will be accompanying me into enemy territory. Which four is up to Fury here."

"I was getting to that, Wolverine," Nick Fury said crossly. Wolverine shrugged. "Anyway I believe the team chosen was: Deadpool, Spider-Man, Iceman, and The Human Torch. Congratulations, you are now, officially, the most annoying heroes."

"We're annoying? You're one to talk Mr. I'm-so-bitter-today-so-don't-mess-with-me-Deadpool. Jeez, talk about a buzzkill. Imagine waking up to that one morning when you feel all bright and happy. Then you hear 'Shut up Deadpool, nobody wants to hear it' that just ruins my whole day! So thank you very much Fury! That reminds me, I'm hungry. Anyone got a chimichanga? Anyone? Anyone at all? Hmm…guess not then."

"Are you done, Deadpool?"

"Yes, I think I am, Nickie. Thanks for asking. That makes me feel _so_ much better."

"Great. That's fantastic. This is the high point of my entire day, everybody." Nick said with heavy sarcasm. "Anyway everyone, your mission is this…"

"Our mission is what? I didn't hear it? Could you enunciate the syllables more clearly this time, please?" Deadpool asked.

"That's because I haven't said it yet. Do you ever stop talking?"

"When my lips are sown up, swords shoot out of my wrists, and laser beams come out of my eyes."

"What?"


	2. Parachute!

**Disclaimer: Again no familiar names or places belong to me. (And I still wish they did. *Sigh* I guess some things just aren't meant to be.)**

**A/N: In this chapter I decided to make Iceman afraid of heights. I'm not even sure if that's true so don't get mad at me. Also please don't sue me!**

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**Chapter 2: ****Parachute!**

Nick Fury threw the parachute at Spider-Man. The group of six were standing in the cargo area of a small jet flying directly over enemy territory. Spider-Man caught it and strapped it to his back without complaint. Deadpool looked at the bag forlornly, then looked at Logan's, and finally Iceman's.

"Hey Nick! How come I don't get one! Aren't I special enough for you? Don't I deserve a snazzy parachute like Spidey's? Oh wait; I can answer that one myself. Of course I don't, I deserve an even better one! Come on, fork it over!"

Nick sighed. He was hoping that Deadpool would jump out of the plane without a parachute, forget he could teleport, then hurt himself so bad that even his healing factor wouldn't be able to save him. Oh well, better luck next time. He picked up a broken parachute off the ground, looked inside, cut a few of the strings, then handed it to Deadpool. "Here you go Deadpool; this one's made especially for you. Enjoy."

"Awww, thanks Nick. I didn't know you cared enough to make me a _special_ parachute. I think I'm going to cry. Hah, yeah right like that'll ever happen." Deadpool grabbed the bag and looked inside. "Jeez Nick, are _you _trying to kill little old_ me?_ Look at these strings. They're all cut! Tsk, tsk, an officer of the law should know better. Am I gonna have to teach you a lesson, Nickie?" Deadpool had his katanas out and pointed at Fury's throat. He sheathed them after looking at his team-mates' faces. Logan's scared him most of all. "Huh, I suppose a lesson would never even reach your brain anyway. It would have to get through your thick skull. Anyone want a lift down there? Or have some of you, cough Nick cough, forgotten that I can teleport?"

"I'm not sure if that's safe Deadpool. I mean, you could have a possible undiagnosed mental 'condition'. I think I'll stick with my flimsy, reliable, thin piece of plastic to bring me rushing to the ground about 3,000 feet below us. Besides, I've always wanted to go sky-diving!" Iceman grinned at Deadpool then looked out the tiny window, frowning.

The Human Torch looked at Deadpool, looked at the tiny parachute, looked back at Deadpool, then looked out the window. "Hey man I can fly so see you down there!" After stating this he promptly jumped out of the open door, without a parachute mind you. He appeared outside the window Iceman was looking out, and beckoned him to follow. Iceman looked at him then jumped out the door.

Wolverine glared at Deadpool then jumped out the opening without another word.

"Okay then, I'll take that as a no. What about you Webby? Coming or not?" Deadpool asked as he tensed his body, ready to teleport.

Spider-Man shrugged. "What have I got to lose?" He walked over to Deadpool and held on to his shoulders.

"Well for one thing you could lose your spleen. I'm not even sure you need that anyway so I'd say give teleporting a try. I've been doing it for quite some time and look how I turned out."

"On second thought, I think I'll-"

"Too late! Here we go!" Deadpool hit a button on his wrist and then there were gone, replaced by a puff of red smoke.

Nick Fury looked at the spot where they had just stood and sighed. "That was either the bravest man I've ever met, or the craziest. Probably both. Pilot, get me back to the helicarrier, I need an aspirin."


	3. Spiders Don't Do Well With Teleporting

**Disclaimer: You know the drill.**

**A/N: A word to the wise: don't annoy Wolverine. He may try and stab you through the chest.**

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**Chapter 3: Spiders Don't do Well With Teleporting**

Deadpool and Spider-Man appeared 10 ft above the ground over Iceman's head. He covered himself as they landed on him with a thud.

"Ow, first I jump out of the plane 3,000 ft above the ground, then Logan flies past me and Johnny and creates a giant crater in the ground, then I almost break my ankle trying to figure out how to land, and then you come along with Pete and almost break my ankle _again_!" Iceman huffed angrily at Deadpool.

"You shouldn't speak in italicized words so much. It could make your throat crooked." Deadpool replied calmly. "Anyway, I thought you were supposed to be the one with the cool head. But you're heating up faster than matchstick over there."

"Hey, I heard that!" said the matchstick in question.

"You were supposed to! Man I miss my yellow boxes."

Logan just stood in the crater he had created when he landed, ignoring the arguing going on between the others. He had used his parachute to try and slow his descent to Earth, but his bones were too heavy for the plastic to handle. This resulted in the crater around his feet. Naturally, he had landed way before the others had, and this allowed his healing factor to work its magic on any damage he might have sustained upon impact.

Logan kept waiting for Spider-Man to say something in response to the conversation going on around him. He looked at Deadpool, who was still holding Spidey like he was when they landed; one arm under his knees, the other cradling his head.

"Deadpool, why is Spider-Man unconscious?" Wolverine asked him sternly.

"Huh, oh him. Yeah, I don't think he's ever teleported before." Deadpool replied calmly. "Man this guy is heavy, though no one can compare to you, Wolvey." With this Deadpool winked at Wolverine, who just calmly reached over to take the unconscious Spider-Man from the arms of the maybe mad-man.

"Shut up Deadpool. Hand over the Spider; we don't have time to wait for him to wake up. I'll just carry him the rest of the way."

"Isn't it weird how the strongest guy here ends up being carried by the shortest one? Did anybody else notice that? Anyone?" Deadpool asked.

"I thought I told you to shut up!" Logan replied angrily.

"Sorry I don't do well with orders, Shorty. Unless it's an order to kill someone and it comes with a lot of money. That's an order I can fill. So unless you happen to have a hundred dollar bill on you, good luck getting the Merc with a Mouth to shut up."

"He's got you there, Logan. I doubt you even have any pockets in that suit anyway. What's with the yellow spandex? Why did you go all retro on us? Did you think that maybe the enemy would stop dead in their tracks and burst out laughing when they saw you coming? Or did you wear it to make up for your lack of comic genius?" The Human Torch kept on this line of questioning for a good two minutes until Wolverine finally snapped.

"_Just shut up already! I am this close to stabbing you through the chest with my claws! And I don't think you can heal like me, so shut up!"_ Wolverine shouted at Johnny Storm, who promptly shut his mouth and stared at the ground. The rest of the group grew quiet, including Deadpool who was occupied with thoughts of what that squishy thing in his pocket was. Wolverine then began to lead the group toward the only thing on the horizon; an AIM hideout.

When they were about halfway there, Spider-Man began to stir.

"Uhhh, where am I? Logan why are you carrying me?" he asked drowsily.

"You passed out when Deadpool tried to teleport you down." Wolverine said some-what calmly.

"Oh yeah. Ow, why do I feel like one of my internal organs is missing?"

"Hey, I warned you didn't I! Except I think this is one of your kidneys." Deadpool replied, taking out the thing that somehow got in his pocket.

"What the hell!?! How am I going to get that back in?" Spider-Man practically yelled at him.

"Don't look at me, you're the scientist. I was wondering how that got in my pocket though…"

"Logan put me down, I'm going to beat the crap out of that asshole." Spider-Man said icily.

"Ooooh, the good boy goes bad and threatens me with cuss words! Now I'm scared. Tell me Spider-Man, how do you plan on killing someone with a healing factor and the ability to teleport? This goes for you too Logan." Deadpool said sarcastically.

"Oh never mind, I guess I don't really need that kidney anyway. Maybe I can sell it for money…" Spider-Man consoled himself.

"For one thing, Deadpool, I would rip out your heart, lob off your head, chop up your brains into thin slices, then carve up your internal organs." Wolverine said angrily.

"What a nice thought. And to think I was going to invite you to my birthday party!"

"I'm not done, bub. Then I would sow your lips together-"Wolverine was cut off by Iceman.

"Uh guys, I think we made it."

"And I think you're right, Snowflake." Deadpool said, staring at the large metal door in front of them.

"I got it." Wolverine said, clearly over what Deadpool had said before. He set Spider-Man on the ground as he shot his claws out and began to cut open an opening large enough for them to fit through. An alarm began to go off above their heads.

"Great! I love company!" Deadpool said cheerily.

"Then you'll love them." Iceman said pointing to the group of twenty or so AIM soldiers coming from a hidden opening on their right about twenty feet away. Then, one by one they began to fall, until they were all laying on the ground, with blood pouring out of multiple bullet wounds on their backs.

The group of heroes stood, shocked into place, and stared at the one person left standing. He looked different from the others. Unlike their full yellow jumpsuits, this one was wearing a standard HYDRA suit. He looked incredibly familiar to Deadpool.


	4. The Enemy Of My Enemy Is My Friend

**Diclaimer: Blah, Blah, etc.**

**A/N: Some familiar faces in the world of Marvel! Guess who...Why aren't you guessing?**

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**Chapter 4: ****The Enemy of My Enemy is My Friend (I think)**

Spider-Man shot two gooey globs of web at the HYDRA agent's face, attempting to blind him. The man grabbed at the goo blindly, trying to get it off his face before Wolverine could get to him. Deadpool gasped at this display of hostility; he was the one who was supposed to be craziest. What were these bozos doing?

"Hold it right there. Don't you know who this guy is?" Deadpool asked incredulously.

"Um, the bad guy?" Iceman replied, while in the middle of raising his hand to blast the man in the jumpsuit, who-by the way-was still trying to get the webbing off his face.

"Jeez you guys are dull. This is Bob. The Bob. You know, the one who always helps me out and throws like a girl?"

"Hey! I can still hear you, you know!" Bob whined.

"Shut up Bob! I'm _trying_ to save your life. You do want to live don't you? Or would you rather I let Wolverine here…"

"No! I want to live, Deadpool! Really, I do! Don't let Wolverine kill me!" Bob whined again.

"Okay, then let me do my thing." Bob nodded when Wade looked at him. "Anywho, we can't kill Bob."

"Why not? He works for HYDRA doesn't he? That's reason enough for him to be killed, isn't it?" Human Torch asked.

"Haven't you heard of the old saying: '_The enemy of my enemy is my friend'_? Well that's what Bob is, the enemy of our enemy, meaning he's our friend. Obviously, you guys can't understand that, or you wouldn't be shooting him with webs now would you? See my logic? I'm hungry." With that Deadpool began to look through his pockets in search of food.

The others scratched their heads, but slowly nodded. Wolverine didn't say anything, and went back to work on the door. When he had pushed the section of metal out from the hole, he motioned for the others to go through. He went in angrily, before Deadpool and Bob.

"Jeez, somebody's in a bad mood. Oh wait, he's always in a bad mood. I wonder what he's like when he's in good mood, hmm…"

"Not any different, Deadpool. Except, sometimes when he's looking at Storm-" Iceman was interrupted by the very angry, Wolverine.

"What, are we having a gossip session about my life, girls? Careful what you say, Bobby. Don't want to end up with a claw in your gut. That wouldn't feel too good now would it?" Logan snarled.

"Oooh, looks like we struck a nerve, eh Bobby? I'm going to hold that against you now, Wolvey. Hope you don't mind." Deadpool winked at Wolverine.

Wolverine only growled, and continued through the hole in the wall.

"So, are we really going to walk around for half an hour, or are we just going to skip to the action?" Deadpool asked.

"What?" they all asked at exactly the same time.

"Oh nevermind."

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The group of six walked down a long, narrow corridor dripping with water. Suddenly, a group of fifty AIM soldiers came from around a hidden corner. Deadpool shot about fifteen of them, while the others picked them off one by one until only three were left.

"Wait a second everybody. I got these three." Deadpool said excitedly. He then began to point his gun at each man's head in time to the rhyme "Eeny, meeny, minie, moe." He began to sing a twisted version of this song, too.

"Eeny, meeny, minie, moe;  
Catch a tiger by the toe,  
If it hollers, slit its throat.  
My client said to kill the very best ones,  
And you are so dead!"

"Bang! Hah, just kidding!" Deadpool teased the scared man sitting on the floor cradling his head. "You're actually the one who's going to die!" The gun went off with a loud bang, and then the man sitting in the middle of the group fell to the floor with a thud.

"Okay, you guys can have these two… I think I ran out of ammo! Crap that's my favorite gun! What am I going to do? Bullets aren't cheap you know. I know…" Deadpool then began to search the dead man's pockets for his wallet. Iceman shot a spear of ice into the left soldier's chest, killing him instantly. Wolverine launched himself onto the guy on the right's shoulders, lobbing his head off with one swipe of his claws.

"Hey look guys! I found ten bucks! It must be my lucky day!" Deadpool announced gleefully.

"You searched a dead guy's pockets and found ten bucks? I need a slice of this action." Human Torch said excitedly.

"You are _not_ going to touch a dead body. Man, that's just gross." Iceman complained, then turned his back to Human Torch.

"Matchstick, Crazy, don't touch the dead soldiers. Now let's go get what we came here for." Wolverine said in a serious tone.

"Hey, who are you calling crazy, mister Look-at-me-I'm-such-a-badass-so-all-the-ladies-_love_-me-and-will-do-whatever-I-tell-them-no-matter-how-bad-of-an-idea-it-is-bub. Yeah, right…"

Wolverine only growled. Bob scratched the back of his neck. "So, uh, what are you guys here for exactly?"

"We are here for the plans of another Weapon X chamber. Apparently nobody's learned their lesson from Wolverine here. Maybe they have skulls made of metal too!" Iceman stated.

"So, Bob, got shot at lately? Other than the times I hit you, of course." Deadpool asked in an attempt to fill the silence. His voice echoed down the hall. "Cool! It echoes in here! Wade rrrruuulllllleeeess!" he called down the tunnel.

"Shhh! You'll attract attention! For the record, that's not something you want when you're sneaking around a building!" Spider-Man whispered harshly.

A loud roar from down the tunnel shook the walls as soon as Spider-Man was finished speaking.

"Spider-Man…" Something yelled back up the tunnel. Heavy footsteps began to sound in time to the rumbling.

"I've got a bad feeling about this…" Johnny Storm said simply.

The thing down the corridor growled, and then the sounds disappeared. Spider-Man's spider sense began to go off like crazy. He pushed everyone to the ground as a fist came swinging from the ceiling. Spider-Man grabbed it, then pulled down as hard as he could, bringing the black-suited figure to the ground. He looked a lot like Spidey, except for the large, white, triangle shaped teeth in his mouth, that is.

"Venom!" Spider-Man gasped.

"Were you expecting someone else, Spidey?" The creature said simply. It suddenly cried out in pain. "Aaaaaaaahhhhh, get outa our head!!!" It then began to claw at where its ears would be, in an attempt to get rid of the pain.

"Spider-Man! Aah! You gotta help us! They-aah!- they put something in our blood! They're making us do this! Aah! _Please!_" Venom was crouching on the floor now, holding his ears closed.

"What did they _do_ to you? You never say please, ever." Spider-Man looked at the beast on the floor with a sense of pity.

"They, aah, told us that you were here, destroying their lab. So we came-aah-but it was a trap-"

"Of course it was! I don't trash people's labs on purpose! I only do it by accident!"

"Then they shot us with guns filled with tranquilizers. When we woke up, we were strapped to a thin metal bed with strips of adamantium. They said not to move, then they injected us with some sort of mind control device. Aah! We tried to fight it, but it was too strong! Then there was a third voice in our head, commanding the other two. It told us to find and kill all of you. Aah! We were only too happy to oblige. But then the voice told us to do things we didn't want to do. When we resisted-aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!-it gave us electrical shocks-aaahhh!-to try and change our mind. Then we knew that you were the only one who could save us, because you know how it feels to be _manipulated against your will._ AAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!! GET IT OUT OF OUR HEAD!!!!!!!" Venom said slowly and then started to shake uncontrollably.

"Guys, I can't believe I'm actually saying this but…we need to save him." Spider-Man said calmly.

"Help someone crazier than me? Hmm, I don't know Webby. He could be pulling our legs…and our arms…and our heads…into a grave later today." Deadpool said.

"We need to anyways! Aren't you the one who said '_the enemy of my enemy is my friend_'?"

"Dammit! You're right! Me and my big mouth," Deadpool whined. "See Bob? This is what I get when I try to save your skin. An ugly monster asking for help, then Spidey using the same line I did to save it."

"I'm just wondering who else is going to show up. This is AIM after all…Wait a minute, wasn't HYDRA the one with the adamantium bonding chamber, not AIM?" The Human Torch asked.

"Those AIM freaks stole the plans from us, dim-witted bunch of…" Bob said back.

"So what are we going to do?" Iceman asked.

"We'll tell you all we know, but only when you get these…_things_ out of our blood. The third voice is threatening us again." Venom said with a hint of pain in its voice.

"Okay then, where is the lab with these…_things_? Up, or down?" Spider-Man asked.

"The lab is up one level, _Pete_." Venom replied, intoning his voice with malice.

"Okay, Bobby, Johnny, you two are with me. I'm gonna need all the help I can get to lift his sorry hide." Spider-Man said, pointing to Venom lying on the floor cradling its head. "Deadpool, Wolverine, Bob, go find the adamantium bonding labs and do whatever you what. We'll meet you down there." He finished as he hurried down the hall to where Iceman and The Human Torch were holding Venom up by the armpits.

"You heard the man. Now move!" Deadpool said to Wolverine.

"Who made you boss, bub?"

"Web-head said my name first. That puts me in charge by default. So do what I say suckahs!" he said, pointing his twin AK-47s towards the elevator. Bob calmly walked the way Wade was pointing, without complaint. Wolverine shot his claws out, grunted, then walked down the hall.

"Now that's more like it! Show me some hustle boys! That's it! Work it! No, Wolverine you're doing it all wrong. It's like this." The Merc with a Mouth continued to babble until they reached the elevator doors. Bob pressed the button, and they stood around the doors, waiting for the elevator. Wolverine sniffed the air.

"What the…" he said as the elevator doors opened, revealing yet another familiar face.


	5. Boss Battle, Suckers!

**A/N: Contrary to popular belief, Deadpool is, in fact, completely sane. He just chooses to act insane to confuse people. He said so himself in Marvel Ultimate Alliance. Go ask him in Asgard.**

**Chapter 5: Boss Battle, Suckers!**

A hand shot out of the open elevator doors, going straight for Wolverine's face. He caught the hand and pulled it towards him, smacking the face of the person in the elevator into Deadpool's fist. The person snarled, and lunged at Logan's chest. He knocked him away with a twist of the arm, sending him back into the elevator. Deadpool walked over to the man hunched over inside the small room, and pulled his head back, revealing the person to be a very angry Sabretooth.

"Eww, who invited Fluffy? Aren't you supposed to be somewhere? Like a litter box or something?" Deadpool complained to the now livid Sabretooth.

"Hey, I don't ask why you're here, so you don't ask me. Got it?" he snarled back. He wiped the dirt from his face, then looked at Wolverine and smiled evilly. "The doctor has been waiting for you, Logan. What's _he_ doing here?" Sabretooth said, pointing to Bob, who just so happened to be crouching behind Deadpool.

"I don't know, bub. Maybe I'll tell you as soon as you tell me why _you're_ here." Wolverine snarled back at him.

"Oh great, more italics. You guys have no idea how this is going to affect your health later. I'm telling you it's bad for your throat! But does anybody ever listen to me? No!" Deadpool said, flinging his hands into the air.

"Um, I listen to you Wade." Bob said tentatively. He poked his head out from behind Deadpool's leg to look up at his face.

"Gee thanks Bob. That makes me feel _so_ much better." Deadpool said with heavy sarcasm.

"What are those two talking about?" Sabretooth asked, confused.

Wolverine pinched the bridge of his nose. "I have no idea. You know how Wilson is. So, what are you doing here exactly?"

"The same as you. I'm here to destroy the adamantium bonding chamber. AIM stole it from our base a couple weeks back. We didn't know what they were planning on using it for, until now." Sabretooth grimaced. "I found out from a very nice guard that the lab is up on the next floor." He smiled again, remembering how he got the information from the guard in the first place.

"Ooh, goody! Then you can meet Venom! He's _great_. You two will get along wonderfully, I just know it!" Deadpool exclaimed. He dragged Bob into the elevator with the others and pressed the button for the next floor. "Going up?" The elevator began to play standard elevator music. (What else? Rock?)

Sabretooth shifted uncomfortably. "Who's Venom?"

"You'll find out, bub."

Deadpool began to hum along to the elevator music. "Da, da, da, Deadpool! Dum, dum, dum, Wolverine! Hah, I love that part!"

"Does he ever shut up?" Sabretooth asked.

"Hey I can hear you, you know! And I only shut up when people pay me, or they sow up my lips. I'd recommend paying me though, 'cause I'm kind of low on cash right now."

"What are you talking about? You just found ten bucks in the wallet of some nameless AIM agent." Bob said in disbelief.

"Shh, Bob. We don't want him to know that."

Just then, the elevator doors opened, revealing a scene of chaos: Venom stood in a hole in the wall, batting away AIM soldiers like flies; Spider-Man was tripping more soldiers with webbing, then hanging them from the ceiling; Johnny Storm and Bobby Drake were standing, back to back, blasting yet more enemies.

Deadpool jumped out of the elevator doors shouting, "The cavalry has arrived!"

"Finally! What took you guys so long?" Iceman smiled while blasting some poor AIM agent into the wall.

"Well, look what the cat dragged in. I mean Wolverine. Where'd you find him, the pet store?" Human torched asked sarcastically.

"Hey, isn't that Sabretooth? And isn't he your archenemy, or something?" Spider-Man asked, while punching a soldier in the face.

"You're one to talk, seeing as you made us save Venom. Is he fixed yet? Is the _'voice'_ gone now?" Wolverine asked, stepping out of the elevator and stabbing someone in the chest.

"Venom is fine, thanks for asking. Now there are only two voices in our head, instead of three." Venom hissed at Wolverine.

"Where's my bad guy? Everyone else gets one except me?" Deadpool whined.

"Uh, I don't have one of my enemies here either, Deadpool. And I'm kind of glad about that." The Human Torch stated.

"Oh, well I still want a bad guy." Wade grumbled.

By now the rest of the group was out of the elevator, and they were beating the crap out of countless AIM soldiers. Except for Bob, that is; he hid in the elevator, waiting for the fighting to stop.

An explosion at the end of the hall stopped all the fighting at once, though.

"Ooh, a boss battle. I'm so going to beat my high score this time." Deadpool commented.

"What's he talking about?" Iceman asked. Spider-Man shrugged.

Their conversation stopped as a giant robot crashed through the far wall. It shot a laser at Wolverine, causing him to stagger backwards. The robot targeted Deadpool next. Deadpool teleported onto the being's shoulders, stabbing it through the head with his katana.

"God, this is almost _too_ easy!" He said as the robot started to sway. It stopped swaying after a few seconds and swatted Deadpool of its' shoulder.

"Now I remember why I hate robots." Deadpool said, dusting dirt off his shoulder.

"Move Wade!" Iceman shouted to him.

"Don't tell me what to do! I'll move when I want to move, thank you very much."

"Do you want to move now?" The Human Torch asked, pointing to the giant robot's foot.

"Now would be good." Deadpool said. He teleported next to Venom, who jumped a little upon seeing him appear right next to him.

"Oh yeah! I forgot to introduce you guys!" Wade slapped his forehead, "Sabretooth, this is Venom. Venom, this is Sabretooth."

"Uh, do I have to talk to it?" Sabretooth complained. "This thing smells funny."

"We could say the same thing about you, cat." Venom replied.

The robot shot lasers at them again, knocking Spider-Man into a wall.

"Ooh, that's gonna hurt in the morning." He moaned from under a pile of rubble.

"That's it. Nobody takes out Spidey, except for me! And Venom. And Green Goblin. And…Okay a lot of people can take out Spider-Man, but trust me, you're not one of them!" Deadpool charged at the robot's knees. Iceman and The Human Torch stood, side by side, blasting the robot simultaneously.

The robot shuddered, then fell with a mighty thud, crashing into the ground around Deadpool's feet.

"Good job team. We sure showed him." Wolverine said,

"_We_? You didn't even do anything!" The Human Torch said.

Wolverine only popped out his claws. "Of course I did, bub. You're just too self-absorbed to notice."

"Hah! He's got you there, matchstick!" Deadpool laughed. His pocket then began ringing. "Oh excuse me. I've got to take this." Deadpool took an X-communicator from his pocket. "Yellloo?...No, this is Deadpool…Sorry, but I don't feel like handing him the phone…Oh really?...Is it that important?..Hmm, Jean what do you think?"

"Wade, give me the phone." Wolverine demanded. Deadpool pushed his hand at Logan's face.

"...Uh huh…Like you would ever do that…No, I'm not gonna give this fancy communicator over to _him_…Why? Because I wanna mess with him, that's why...He really should get his own cell phone you know…No I didn't! I found it in _my_ pants this morning…Oh you know, I have my ways…"

"Wade, I said _give me the phone_!" Wolverine shouted.

"Ugh, fine…Yeah Jean? I'm gonna hand the phone over to Wolverine. He's getting testy. Buh-Bye now!" Deadpool handed the communicator to Logan.

"Hello Jean." Wolverine said.

"Not you too!" said a masculine voice that was definitely not Jean's.

"What the…Stark? Is that you?"

"Well I'm definitely not Jean Grey, as far as I know. I have no idea why Wade kept calling me that, though."

"What do you want this time?"

"Well, since you asked, Captain America and I are downstairs and we were wondering why there was a HYDRA agent in the elevator. He claimed to be here with Deadpool. Do you know anything about that?"

"Uh, yeah. Don't kill him. Apparently Wilson has friends in very odd places."

"Ok, will do. Oh, and Logan?"

"Yes, Tony?"

"Captain America has a little surprise for you." With that Tony Stark hung up, leaving Wolverine standing there with his jaw open.

"You should really close your mouth. You could swallow a bug. Speaking of bugs, is anybody going to get Spidey out from that pile of rubble?" Deadpool smiled. He went over to the pile where Spider-Man lay, heavily bruised and battered. He pulled him out of the heap and slung him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

"Ugh…Did we win?" Spider-Man asked hopefully.

"Yeah, we did." Sabretooth said.

"Again with the we? You didn't do anything either!" Johnny said, exasperated.

"How would you know?" Sabretooth replied with a smile.

"Why am I the one who keeps getting knocked unconscious?" Spider-Man asked.

"I think the writer likes it. I'm just glad it's not me." Deadpool replied.

"What?" They all asked collectively.

"Oh, nevermind. I'm gonna put you down now, webhead." With that Deadpool dumped Spider-Man onto the floor.

"Ow, as if I don't have enough bruises already." Spider-Man picked himself up off the floor.

"What was that phone call about anyway, Wolverine? Enlighten us." Iceman asked.

"Stark and Cap' are downstairs. Apparently they found Bob hiding in the elevator." Logan replied.

"Hmm, looks like we're gonna have to cut gossip hour short, girls. 'Cuz we got company!" Spider-Man said, pointing to a shadow down the hall.

* * *


	6. Enter the Goblin

**A/N: In the comicverse, we call it breaking the fourth wall. In the real world, we call it being paranoid.**

**Chapter 6: Enter the Goblin**

"Oh god, what are you two doing here?" Spider-Man asked the duo standing before him.

"What, can't a guy visit his best friend on a secret SHIELD mission, or is that illegal now?" said the man dressed in green.

"Come on Spider, don't say you didn't miss us. Deep down, I bet you're glad we paid you a visit." The woman in black purred.

The elevator doors opened behind the group of heroes and villains. Out stepped Tony Stark, in his Iron Man armor, Captain America, and Bob, the Hydra agent. Captain America was carrying a bag over his left shoulder.

"HAIL HYDRA!!" Bob shouted upon exiting the elevator.

Deadpool groaned. "Bob, you have got to stop doing that."

Bob grinned sheepishly, "Sorry."

"Black Cat, New Goblin, what are you two doing here?" Iron Man asked the pair, ignoring Bob and Deadpool.

"I was wondering the same thing." Spider-Man replied.

"What is with all these people showing up all of a sudden? Is there a party here or something?" Johnny asked, running his hands through his hair.

"Uh, yeah. Didn't you get an invitation?" New Goblin answered.

"What? There was a party that I didn't get invited to? Uncool." Iceman said.

"Can we get back on topic please?" Spider-Man said to the group. After about thirty seconds, the group finally grew quiet, "Thank you."

"Pete, AIM kidnapped my father." New Goblin said simply.

"Wait a minute. I thought your father died in the first Spider-Man movie, but you don't show up until the third one. This is confusing." Deadpool said, putting a hand to his forehead.

"Umm…I think I speak for everybody here when I say, _what_?" Iron Man said.

"Oh right, that's the one where Pete over here goes emo, and almost destroys his life. And he creates Venom. Isn't that lovely?" Deadpool smacked his forehead.

"Uh, I think it would be best for everyone if we forgot that little 'episode' ever happened." Iron Man said.

"Deal," said everybody there besides Deadpool and Bob.

"So…Black Cat, why are you here?" Spider-Man asked the cat burglar.

Black Cat shrugged, "New Goblin said he'd get lonely here without somebody, so I decided to hitch along for the ride. By the way, it's nice to see you again Spider. And who are your friends?" She smiled at the men standing in a circle, staring at her.

"Oh, them? Well that's the Human Torch, Iceman, Wolverine, Deadpool, Bob, Sabretooth, Iron Man, Captain America, and of course you know Venom." Spider-Man replied, pointing to each person respectively.

"Well hello, boys." She purred.

Johnny ran a hand through his hair, Bobby squeaked, Logan grunted, Deadpool grinned, Sabretooth smiled evilly, Iron Man crossed his arms, Captain America pretended to look at a watch, and Venom stared back blankly. Bob almost fainted when Black Cat looked at him and smiled.

"Wow, you're almost as hot as me," Johnny said to her.

"What a nice introduction. Can we please get back to the mission now?" Spider-Man asked.

"He's right, bubs. We have work to do." Logan said to the group.

"Speaking of work, Logan how would you like to come back into the all captains squad as Captain Canada, again?" Captain America asked, pulling the white and red costume from inside the bag he was carrying.

"I told you last time, I'm never wearing that suit again. It's even itchier than regular spandex." Logan growled back.

"I guessed so…Deadpool, I don't suppose you'd like to?" Captain America offered the suit to Deadpool.

"Sorry dude, but I don't take other people's costumes. Besides, I doubt it'll fit me if it's fitted for shorty over there. I'm like a foot taller than him!" Deadpool replied.

"Well, it was worth a try. I suggest we get moving, team." Captain America said, putting the costume back into the bag.

"Hey, I'm the boss, remember! Webhead said my name first. So, I'm still in charge. That means you do what I say. Got that?" Deadpool pointed his finger at everyone in the group.

Iron Man was about to protest, when Spider-Man put a hand on his shoulder. "Just go with it. If you don't, you'll have to deal with the fury of Wade." Tony sighed.

The group followed Deadpool down a long hallway, filled with secret doors and such. He turned right at a fork in the corridor, and continued down for about three minutes. They arrived at the Adamantium bonding chamber, only to find that it had already been torn to shreads by somebody with adamantium claws. The group stared at Wolverine.

"Hey, don't look at me. I was with you guys the whole time." He said.

"If it wasn't you, then who did it?" Iceman asked. Wolverine went over to the cuts in the glass and the walls, and sniffed them.

"Dude, I never get used to you doing that." Spider-Man said.

"Hmm…It smells like me, but at the same time it doesn't." Wolverine took a deep sniff of the scratch. Sabretooth came over next to him and started sniffing it too.

"Now that's just weird." The Human Torch stated.

"Well, who do we know that has Wolverine's smell, and his claws, and also has a grudge against adamantium bonding chambers?" Iceman asked in a knowing tone.

"Kinney." Wolverine said.

"Exactly." Iceman replied.

"Um, who's 'Kinney'?" asked Johnny.

"Why only our favorite clone of Wolverine, ever! What a generous kid. Wanna see the scars she gave me? And they didn't cost me a dime!" Wade tugged at the edge of his left sleeve. The others stared at Wolverine.

"You have a clone?" Spider-Man asked.

"Yeah, bub. You got a problem with that?" Wolverine growled.

"No, I don't have a problem. Can we get going now?" Spidey said. Deadpool led the group back up the corridor, towards where he thought the Green Goblin was. He was following the signs on the wall that said 'Holding Cells'.

"Wait, so who is 'Kinney' exactly?" Johnny asked again.

"Laura Kinney is sort of a clone of Wolverine. Sometimes we call her X 23, but I don't think she likes that anymore. Anyways, she's really jumpy, due to years of holding back all of her emotions, causing deep, traumatic memories. One time, I jumped out from behind her, so she cut me with her cool toe spike." Deadpool elaborated for him. "She only has four adamantium claws-besides the two in her feet- but boy does she know how to use them!" Deadpool continued talking about Laura Kinney for several minutes, while Spider-Man and New Goblin were talking to each other.

"Your father was kidnapped?" Spider-Man asked.

"Yeah, they broke into our building and kidnapped him. Just like that." Harry snapped his fingers. In the background, Deadpool was telling the others about the time when he had to go buy a new toaster, because Laura had thrown his out the window.

"Does he ever shut up?" New Goblin asked.

Deadpool stopped midsentence, turned around, and stared at the man dressed in green. "Why does everybody always ask that? Am I really that annoying?"

"Yes, you are. They ask because they want you to stop talking. I thought you knew that, bub." Wolverine said, pushing Wade so that he continued walking. Wade huffed and crossed his arms.

"Don't worry, Mr. Wilson. I don't think you're annoying." Bob said from the back of the group.

"You're just saying that, Bob, because the writer-lady is trying to make me feel better. Well guess what, author? It's not working!" Deadpool started shouting at the ceiling. The others just ignored him. Captain America motioned to Iron Man, who nodded.

"Listen guys, it looks like you have this situation all under control, so cap and I are going to leave. I forgot I have a meeting in ten minutes, and I'm pretty sure Mr. Rogers here ahs somewhere to be. Good-Bye fellow heroes! Oh, and good-bye Deadpool." With that Iron Man grabbed Captain America, who saluted, by the shoulders and blasted a hole in the wall. He then flew out the hole and disappeared into the sky.

"Well, that was sudden." Spider-Man commented.

"Relax, Spider. You still have us," Black Cat purred. Human Torch and Iceman continued to stare at her. She grinned and led them further down the hall, passing a brooding Wade.

New Goblin clapped Spider-Man on the back, "Yeah, Pete. We aren't leaving until I save my father."

"What would AIM want with your father anyway?" Spider-Man asked.

"I have absolutely no idea," New Goblin replied in an upbeat tone.

"I wouldn't get too happy if I were you." Deadpool warned him. "In the third movie you keep trying to kill Pete, then you decide to help him, and you end up dying. Go figure."

"Um, I'm going to forget I heard that." Harry said uncertainly.

"That would be a good idea." Spider-Man replied.

"Sure do whatever you like, you happy little heroes." Deadpool said.

"What's his problem?" New Goblin whispered to Spider-Man.

"I have no idea," Spider-Man said back.

The group continued in silence until they found the cell that was holding the notorious Green Goblin. It wasn't a very large room, padded walls, and a viewing wall for observing the occupant of the cell. Inside was a man dressed in, you guessed it, Green Goblin armor. He was sitting on the floor next to a teenage girl in a dark jumpsuit. She had medium brown hair that the man was staring at intently. All of a sudden, he pulled out a needle containing some green liquid, and stabbed her in the leg with it. The girl collapsed almost immediately. Green Goblin searched her pockets for the key to the room, then proceeded to unlock the door.

The group stared at the man walking calmly towards them. New Goblin looked at Peter, then walked over to his father's side, saying good-bye to everyone on the way. Black Cat bounded over to them, and put a hand on New Goblin's shoulder. Green Goblin pressed a button on the device he stole from the girl in the room, and they disappeared with a puff of green smoke.

Meanwhile, Deadpool had teleported into the padded room and picked up the girl on the floor. He looked at her closely, then back to the group, then finally back to the girl. He had made his decision. He waved good-bye to the group and teleported away with the girl in a puff of red smoke.

The now smaller group looked at where Deadpool once was, and shook their heads. Bob looked scared now that the only person who really wanted him alive, was gone. He backed out slowly from the group and ran down the hall, fleeing the building.

"Well, what do we do now?" Spider-Man asked the group.

They shrugged their shoulders.

* * *

**Ooh, where has Deadpool gone? What will the team do now? Why am I asking you all these questions which you might ask me? Why don't I make any sense? Why did I write this short little section? Tell me what you think about this story. BTW- Thanks to all my loyal viewers who actually review my work- AKA, three people: Girl, Captain Deadpool, and Anonymous. Thanks for your reviews!!!**

* * *

* * *


	7. The Dramatic Conclusion

**A/N: Finally, what you've all been waiting for! The dramatic conclusion! Hah, not really. I mean it is the conclusion, but it isn't that dramatic. It's also a little short, sorry! And wnated to let you know that the girl Deadpool rescued was NOT Laura Kinney. Just thought I'd put that on here, since it's such an important point. (Thank you, Joanna, for your lovely ideas! And yes, it would be hilarious if Deadpool showed Spidey one of his own movies, especially SM3.) **

* * *

**Chapter 7: The Dramatic Conclusion**

Wolverine went over to the spot where Deadpool was last seen and sniffed the air. He then noticed a blinking red light on the far wall. He ran out of the room as fast as his little legs would carry him. Venom blinked in surprise, then followed him down the hall. Human Torch shot a questioning glance at Iceman, who shrugged and ran down the hall after Wolverine. Sabretooth sprinted towards the small group. Spider-Man sighed and slung a web, creating a sling-shot effect. He landed next to Logan, who was running as fast as he could.

"Logan, why are we running?" he asked, keeping pace with the short mutant.

"Osborn rigged the place. It's going to explode in three minutes," he growled back.

"Oh, that makes sense." Spider-Man said. They ran as fast as they could out of the doomed building. Wolverine stopped suddenly, causing everyone behind him to bump into him. He growled and they backed away slowly. He stabbed the metal wall with his claws, carving a hole in the wall for them to escape through.

"Hurry up, Logan! The building's going to explode soon!" Human Torch yelled, getting quite close to the hysterical side.

"I'm going as fast as I can, bub."

"Don't make him angry. He has a healing factor and could probably survive the explosion. Unfortunately for us, we wouldn't be so lucky," Spider-Man said, trying to calm the group down.

Wolverine had finished the cuts in the metal and kicked down the section, revealing a sight that brought relief to the almost doomed heroes: A SHIELD helicopter. They jumped in the open door, along with the two villains.

"What are we going to do with these two?" Spider-Man asked.

"They will be put into confinement until further notice." Fury said to the group. Venom jumped back a little and Sabretooth growled.

"Or, you won't." Sabretooth smiled as he jumped out of the helicopter.

"See you around, _Pete_." Venom shot a web out of the helicopter, swinging away into the night.

"Great, now two of the super villains are loose in wherever we are. Where are we, by the way?" Iceman asked the colonel.

"It doesn't matter. The important thing is that you destroyed that adamantium bonding chamber and did a few good deeds along the way," Nick said to the four heroes.

"Helping a symbiote is a good deed? Huh, well I guess anything goes in this day and age." Human Torch mumbled.

"Fury, you should know one thing though," Wolverine said.

"And what might that be, Logan?" Fury asked sarcastically.

"The chamber was already destroyed when we got there," he announced.

"Oh, and AIM kidnapped Green Goblin. Or, should I say, Goblinnapped," Spider-Man laughed to himself.

"Wonderful. Anything else?" Fury said.

"Nope, that's about it," Iceman said, holding on to the seatbelt while looking out the window.

"Great." Fury said, turning to the front again.

"So, what do we do now?" Spider-Man asked.

"The only reasonable thing _to do_ at a time like this; go home." Fury replied.

"Oh, well that makes sense." Human Torch said.

* * *

**Thirty minutes later**

"Well, it was fun while it lasted," Iceman shook hands with Spider-Man, accidentally freezing it.

"Oops, sorry man."

"Uh, it's no problem. I'll just put it in the microwave later," Spider-Man said uncertainly.

"Wait, I got it," Johnny said, toasting Peter's hand.

"Um, thanks. Well, I guess this is my stop." Spider-Man looked at the city below. "Good-Bye!" he said as he jumped out of the helicopter.

"Fury, do you have any idea where Wilson went?" Iceman asked.

"None at all." Nick Fury replied to the young mutant.

* * *

**Meanwhile, in an apartment somewhere…**

Deadpool stood over the young girl, who lay, unconscious on his couch. He smiled to himself. He had come up with a brilliant idea.

* * *

**Author's Dramatic Notes: I'd like to thank the academy!! What?!? I didn't win an award!?! Oh, well... Anyways Deadpool's adventures continue in a slightly more serious fic (only slightly, I mean it's Deadpool for crying out loud!) titled 'Deadpool's Apprentice'. You can find it in the Normal Deadpool comics section on this site, or click on my bio page. WARNING: features an OC. Enjoy!!**


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